31. “Lord, at the start of this day, I pray for wisdom to sort my priorities. Let me keep my sense of humor and enjoy a hearty chuckle. Calm my nerves with mental flashes from Your Word. And at the end of this day, let me genuinely say “Thank you Lord for giving me such a wonderful life.” Amen.

32. Life is unpredictable, anything could just happen. It might me a success or a mess but as long as we are leaning on the Lord’s side, we will win. God never let us down.

33. Messages from God:

Please don’t drink and drive. You are not yet ready to meet me.

If you miss the sunrise I made for you today, I will make another one tomorrow.

How can you possibly be a self- made man? I specifically recall creating you.

If you think Monalisa is stunning, you should look at My masterpiece in the mirror. Smile!

34. What is Christianity?

At home, it is kindness. In business, it is honesty. In society, it is courtesy. At work, it is fairness. For the unfortunate, it is pity. For the weak, it is help. For the wicked, it is resistance. For the strong, it is trust. For the fortunate, it is congratulations. For the penitent, it is forgiveness. For God, it is reverence and love.

35. Happiness isn’t getting what we want but being satisfied with what we have. The way to be happy is to be grateful even with the simple blessings we have.

36. Life is an undying cycle. It is a battle of survival. If you quit, you are a loser. If you fall, stand up. God doesn’t throw stones that you cannot catch.

37. Never forget to thank God for all the blessings He has given us. No matter how good or bad, there is always a reason and it is always for the best.

38. Wonder why God didn’t give us the gift to read the mind of others? So we could have the chance to trust and the privilege to be trusted.

39. A beautiful prayer: “Lord, I know not everything I wished and hoped for will come true. Please give me strength to let go and entrust everything to You. I understand You won’t allow me to be in pain for the sake of hurting but for the sake of learning. You know me more than I know myself that even when I feel alone and unloved, there is still someone who knows all my flaws yet loves me unconditionally like no other human can.”

40. Sometimes you have got to tuck your feelings away until it’s the right time. Like stuffing coins into a piggy bank for a bike you can’t quite afford because you will never know, maybe when you crack open that piggy bank you will find out that all this time you haven’t been saving for a bike, but for a car in God’s time.

41. In this world, someone stands behind us; silently loving us, reaching out a hand when we’ve fallen, encouraging us when we are tested and in fear, understanding us when no one does and pointing us the light when we are in the dark. God deserves a pause, a hug and a thank you because we are wrapped in a beautiful truth that we are loved without measure.

42. One thing I have learned from God is how to get along happily whether I have much or little. I know how to live on almost nothing or everything. I have learned the secret of contentment in every situation. You know why? It is because God is enough to cover everything.

43. Often we stand at a life’s crossroads and view what we think is the end but God has much bigger vision and He tells us, “Relax, it is just a bend not the end.”

44. If God doesn’t give you what you want, it isn’t what you need.

45. Success in life can never be an accident. It is the result of hard work and faith in God. Champions are not the people who never fail but the people who never quit.

46. God measures the person with the burdens He puts on him. So when you feel your load is heavier than the rest, be happy for God sees you stronger than the rest.

47. There are times we treat life like a mysterious door. It doesn’t open no matter how hard we push it. We never notice that a huge sign is posted that reads pull. Same thing with life, we struggle, we push, and we push harder until we are tired, hurt, bruised and wounded. We forget there’s a better way surrender, let go and let God in. God willed our lives to be wonderful, lift um everything to Him.

48. No matter our age or status in life, we all can strive to love others as God loves them. We may accomplish great things in our life – gain fame and fortune – but the greatest thing is love. For all of that we have don or ever will do; only love endures. We depart, love abides.

49. People have different outlooks in love. But whatever those are there is only a single truth behind everyone’s heartache: love hurts when God knows we deserve someone better.

50. Daily reminders:

Most important in life – Jesus

Most beautiful attire – Smile

Greatest asset – Faith

Most powerful force – Love

Worst thing to be without – Prayer

51. Man: God, how long is a million years to you?

God: A second.

Man: How much is $1 million to you?

God: A cent.

Man: Can I borrow a cent?

God: Wait a second.

52. God asked me how much I loved Him, o spread my arms and told Him, “This big.” I asked Him how much He loved me, He spread His arms and He died.

53. What is real happiness? It is when you feel fine even if there is only 20 pesos left in your pocket. It is when you enjoy life even without a partner on your side. It is when you thank God despite the problems you have. And most importantly, it is when we know how to smile every time we wake up knowing that we have never been a cause of someone’s pain.

54. The more love is silently expressed; the more obvious it can be seen. No wonder God loves us in silence but gives us mostly unnoticed blessings.

55. In a Science class, the teacher asked her students to give an example of things which are countless. Maria answered water. Pedro answered sand. Mateo answered air. The teacher noticed that everybody was participating except for one. She called his attention and asked the same question. “What are the things which are countless?” Martin stood up and answered “blessings.” Have you tried counting yours?

56. Sometimes, God seems to be quiet. He seems to be absent and never listens. We call Him but never answer. We asked Him for help but He never rescue. I asked myself, “Why God that in my deepest troubles You were not with me?” God smiled and told me, “I never left you. I just want to watch you fighting using My words that are stored in your heart and mind as your weapon. I will always be with you just be with Me always.”

57. It is morning again. Cheer up and wear a perfect smile. Embrace the day with sheer delight and thank the Lord for an added day.

58. The power of prayer will never leave you even in the darkest of times. It is the greatest weapon known to man, a freedom no one can take away.

59. No one will manufacturer a lock without a key. Similarly, God won’t give us problems without solutions. I hope you can find the right key every time you encounter a locked door.

60. Never rest in serving God. If problems come in your way, go on. If people try to destroy your faith, hold on. For as long as God is there, there will always be a light, a hope, a way.

1. “Trials exist because God wants to test you.” That’s a lie! He already knows your capabilities, more than you could imagine. Trials exist because you need to learn one thing and that is faith.

2. Without Jesus, days are mournday, tearsday, wasteday, thirstdat, shatterday and sinday. So allow him to be with you every day.

3. God is the reason why even in pain, we smile; even in confusion, we understand; even in betrayal, we trust and even in fear, we continue to fight.

4. Some lessons are best learned through pain. Sometimes our visions become clear only after our eyes are washed with tears. Sometimes we have to be broken so we can be whole again. If God meant the day to be perfect, He wouldn’t have invented tomorrow.

5. Do you know the feeling of loving someone who does not love you in return? It hurts, right? That is how God feels most of the time.

6. A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger.

- Proverbs 15: 1

7. Wherever you are, I pray love be with you. Wherever you go, I pray goodness to surround you. Whatever you do, I pray joy to fill your heart because you deserve every good gift a wonderful life can hold.

8. Life forms us. Sin deforms us. School informs us. But only God transforms us.

9. God doesn’t want you to describe how great your mountains are, what He wants you to do is to tell your mountains how great your God is.

10. It is wonderful to get answers from prayers but it is even more wonderful to let God mind you and make you into an answer to somebody’s prayer.

11. The Lord hides everything in nothing. He hides a tree in a seed. He hides a king in a shepherd boy. He hides a savior in baby. Aren’t you excited to see what he is hiding in you?

12. When God leads you to the edge of a cliff, trust him fully and let go because only one of the two things might happen. Either he will catch you when you fall or he will teach you how to fly.

13. You know what is the sweetest time of the day? It is when you pray. Why? Because you are talking to the One who loves you most.

14. Life is a constant battle for survival. And as we grow older, the rules change on daily basis. Our mission is not to escape but to survive and win. Not just deal with triumph but to deal with failures and mistakes. Not to run away from fear but to master it. It takes courage to keep on fighting. So if you feel like the rules have shifted one step higher, deal with it and never surrender. God is with you.

15. The Lord never fails to surprise us. He hides a tree in a seed. He hides a king in the carpenter’s son. He hides a savior in a baby. Aren’t you excited to see what he’s hiding in you? Be prepared for the big surprise the God will provide you.

16. They say you can never love a person whom you have never seen. I just smiled and said, “I haven’t seen God but I love him.”

17. “Jesus wasn’t your typical superhero. He wore no cape or costume. He had no logo on his chest or spotlight beacon in the sky. He didn’t have a wise cracking sidekick with a catchy tagline. And he didn’t try to hide his identity to protect himself or his family. He boldly proclaimed who he was, fearless of the danger it would later bring upon himself.”

- Brian Coates

18. An astronomer’s proof that God really exists: “I always look at the planets and see every movement. I realize all of them are moving. But one thing really amazes me, the earth never changes its course – not even a bit, even one degree. You know why? If the earth gets one degree closer to the sun, it will burn and one degree apart, it will freeze. So I realize there’s someone holding it. Someone called God.

19. Jesus and Satan were using the computer. They started typing. They did every known job, report, emails, and attachments and download. But before the time was up, lighting, thunder, rain and brownout came. Satan cursed. Jesus just sighed. When electricity was back, Satan lost every single thing he had done. But Jesus started printing all his files. Satan shouted, “You cheated!” Jesus just smiled. Because he did what Satan didn’t know, he SAVES.

20. When God takes something away from your grasp, He is not punishing you but merely emptying your hand to receive something better.

21. God would not give you the dream or the desire in your heart if he did not also give you the talent and abilities to make that dream come true.

22. The biggest blessing in our lives is simply the presence of people who care much, who loves for real and see us much beyond ourselves.

23. I won’t dare question God why He puts me through trials and challenges because I never question Him when I experience joy and victory.

24. There are times when prayer is the only gift we can give to the one we care for, so I do always pray to God to take good care of you, everyday and always.

25. When God looks around to use somebody, He has no one to choose from except failures. We serve a gracious Master who knows how to overrule even our mistakes to His glory and our own advantage.

- Steve Farrar

26. Often, we stand at life’s crossroads and view what we think is the end. But God has much bigger vision and He tells us, “Relax, it’s just a bend, not the end.”

27. A sailor was stuck in an island where he is the only survivor. He made a hut for his shelter, day and night he prayed and waited for someone to rescue him but no one came. He stored food in the hut for his survival but one day, the hut burned to ashes and nothing was left of it. He was so angry, he said: “God, why have you done this to me?” The next morning, rescuers came. He asked, “How did you know that I am here?” They replied, “We saw a smoke signal.”

Trust HIM when misfortune happens. His plans are always greater than ours.

28. We often get impatient and take things into our own hands but God says, “Be quiet, trust me. I know your needs better that you do. Just wait, let me work and give you the best.”

29. Someday, God will send someone into your life and love you like you have always wanted. If that was yesterday, learn. If that will be tomorrow, wait. If that is today, keep in and never let it go.

30. God put you on this Earth because no one else can do what you do the way you do it. Be the unique person He intended you to be.

81. B: Mahal, alam mo bang para kang tae?

G: Eee. Kadiri. Bastos!

B: Totoo talaga, seryoso ako.

G: Bakit ba?

B: Hindi kasi kita kayang paglaruan e.

82. Ang buhay ko parang seesaw. Kapag wala ka, down ako.

83. Alam mo kung naging alak ka lang, ang laki ng matitipid ko sa inuman. Kasi tinitignan pa lang kita, tinatamaan na ako sa’yo.

84. Signal na lang sana ako ng cellphone mo, para kapag nawala ako gagawa ka ng paraan para bumalik ako.

85. Still waiting for the one you love? Just wait a little longer. I am on my way.

86. Kung tinaboy ka ng mahal mo at ayaw na sa’yo. E di, akin ka na lang. Masaya pa tayo.

87. Apoy ka ba? Kasi ALAB you.

88. Nasaan ka kagabi? Bakit wala ka sa panaginip ko, di tuloy sweet ang dreams ko.

89. Aabsent na ako sa lahat ng klase ko, makapasok lang ako sa puso mo.

90. Para kang ulan at lupa ako, kahit anong mangyari mahuhulog ka sa akin, sa ayaw at sa gusto mo. Inuulit ko, sa ayaw at sa gusto mo.

91. I showed a pic of myself to you and said, “Tingnan mo oh, tayong dalawa.” But you said, “Asan ako?” Then I pointed my chest and smiled, “Andito ka oh, sa puso ko.”

92. Boy: Tumatangkad ka ata?

Girl: O? Talaga?

Boy: Oo nga, kasi dati hanggang balikat lang kita pero ngayon nasa isip na kita.

93. Two babies were chatting in an incubator.

Boy: Bat ka pinanganak?

Girl: Ewan ko, e ikaw?

Boy: Ako? I was born to tell you I love you.

94. Boy: Mahal ka daw ni Eddie.

Girl: Sino si Eddie?

Boy: Eddie ako.

95. Anti pick – up line…

He: Can I buy you a drink?

She: Actually, I’d rather have the money.

He: Will you go out with me this Saturday?

She: Sorry. I am having a headache this weekend.

He: Go on. Don’t be shy. Ask me out.

She: Okay. Go out.

He: I think I could make you very happy.

She: Why? Are you leaving?

He: Shall we go see a movie?

She: I have already seen it.

He: Where have you been all my life?

She: Hiding from you.

He: Haven’t I seen you some place before?

She: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

96. Sa laboratory (blood testing)

Boy: Ano bang type mo?

Girl: Type B.

Boy: Aw.

Girl: Bakit? Ikaw anong type mo?

Boy: IKAW. :”>

97. Parang bola lang ata ako sa 'yo eh. Pinapaikot mo kasi mundo ko.

98. Kundi ka para sa kanya, malay mo para saken ka.

99. Payong ka ba? Inuulanan ka kase ng kagandahan.

100. Boy: Doctor ba talaga ang pangarap mong maging?

Girl: Oo, eh ikaw? anong ambition mo?

Boy: Pangarap ko mapangasawa ng doctor.

61. Nagkabungguan si boy at si girl

*tugsh*

G: Aray! Bulag ka ba?

B: Paano ako magiging bulag? E may pagtingin nga ako sa’yo.

62. Kung nasa dictionary man ako sigurado kahit saang page, hindi mo ako mahahanap. Wala naman kasi akong halaga sa iyo e.

63. Mabuti pa ang kotse may preno. Samantalang ako, tuloy – tuloy na nahuhulog sa iyo.

64. B: Gusto mo libre kita ng siomai?

G: Huh? Bakit? Birthday mo ngayon?

B: Hindi ko birthday! Wala lang, I just want to siomai love for you.

65. G: Oi, may relo ka ba? Pwede ba malaman kung anong oras na?

B: Wala akong relo eh. Pero alam ko na oras na para malaman mong mahal na mahal kita.

66. Pwede na ba kitang tubusin? Anlaki na kasi ng interest ko sayo e.

67. Para kang baon ko, namimiss kita pag walang pasok.

68. B: Miss para kang chicharon.

G: Bakit naman?

B: Ansarap mong papakin. Hehe.

(Bakla umepal)

Bakla: Ako rin parang chicharon.

B: Oo! Nakakahighblood kang tarantado ka!

69. Aanhin ko pa ang Coke kung sayo pa lang ehh napapasmile na ko?!

70. Para kang baon ko.Namimiss kita pag walang pasok!

71. Present-Gf: Miss, ampalaya ka ba?

Ex-Gf: Baket?

Present-Gf: Ang bitter mo eh.

72. Simula sa araw na ‘to, isa na akong ganap na bubuyog at ikaw ang honey ko.

73. Sana ako na lang nagging right hand mo, para kahit man lang sa national anthem, ako ang nasa tapat ng puso mo.

74. Kung magiging parte ako ng katawan mo, pipiliin ko maging dugo. Dumaloy man ako sa iba’t ibang parte ng katawan mo, babalik at babalik pa rin ako sa puso mo.

75. Napakarami na talagang mga banat ngayon. Wala na tuloy akong maisip kundi ikaw.

76. Boy: Di ba top student ka?

Girl: Oo, bakit?

Boy: Bakit hindi mo ako masagot?

77. Ihi ka ba? Kinikilig kasi ako pag lumalabas ka e.

78. Kung wala ka sa katinuan, ako nasa iyong isipan.

79. Sabi nila libre ang mangarap. Libre ka ba? Ikaw kasi ang pangarap ko.

80. Kung hindi ka para sa akin, kawawa ka naman.

361. We are all driving in our roads called life. In every turn, don’t forget to stop. Why? Baka may tagay, e di shot muna.

362. Tanong pang- beauty contest, “Kung ikaw ay maganda, sinong may sabi at saan daw banda?”

363. 5 things na wish mong sabihin sa’yo ng nanay mo.

1. Anak, gising na pero kung natok ka pa tulog ka pa magpalate ka na lang sa subject mo.

2. Oh eto allowance mo. May dagdag yan pang – gimik.

3. Amoy alak ka? Nag – jamming kayo Di mo ko sinama.

4. Gabi na, tulog ka na. Bukas samahan mo ako, bili tayo ng bagong cellphone mo.

5. Tumawag dean nyo, bagsak ka daw. Okay lang yan, may next sem pa naman eh.

364. Kung may magtanong sayo na “Ano gawa mo?” Ang pinakamagandang sagot diyan ay, “Wala, gusto mo gawa tayo.”

365. Anong sinabi ni apple nung tumingin sa kanya si pinya?

Apple: Oi, ikaw. Anong tinitingin tingin tingin tingin tingin tingin tingin tingin tingin tingin tingin tingin tingin mo dyan?

Ano namang sinagot ni pinya kay apple?

Pinya: Eh bakit ka namumula? Cursh mo ako no?

366. Simula ng lumabas ang Dota, nauso ang Single Ladies.

367. Juan: Nay, alis nap o ao. Malelate na ako sa school.

Nanay: Anal sandali eto ung baon mong sandwich at juice. Eto na din ung pananghalian mo para mamayang lunchbreak. Eto ung panyo, 2 bimpo, extra shirt at shorts baka pawisan ka at madumihan. Eto na din ang pulbos at cologne mo. Nasa bag na yung tubig pati yung payong at sombrero mo. May tsinelas na din jan pag pagod na paa mo sa shoes. O, eto perang pamasahe.

Juan: Ampotah! CAmpin?! Absent na lang kayo ako nay?

368. Sa loob ng hotel, aksidenteng nabannga ng bellboy ang suso ng isang babaeng guest.

Bellboy: Sorry po. Kung ang puso nyo ay kasing lambot ng suso nyo, mapapatawad nyo ako.

Babae: Kung kasing tigas naman ng etits mo ang siko mo, nasa room 201 lang ako.

369. Walang madilim na daan, masamang pakiramdam at malakas na ulan kung jowa ang pupuntahan.

370. Isang araw sa may tindahan

Pulubi: Palimos po.

Tindero: Wala po, patawad.

P: Sige na po, hait magkano.

T: Siya sige, eto dos.

P: Salamat po ng marami. Isang Marlboro nga po.

371. “Kahit tawagin pa nila akong plastic, hinding – hindi kita iiwan lalo na pag nasa gitna ka ng laban.”

- Condom

372. Sa isang tahimik na kanto

Lola: Iho, tulungan mo ako. Isa akong prinsesa, ako’s isnumpa. Kung ako’y iyong gagahasain, babalik ako sa maganda kong anyo at tuluyang mapuputol ang sumpa.

(Makaraan ang ilang sandali)

Lalaki: Yan lola, tapos na ho. Bakit di ka pa nagpapalit ng anyo?

Lola: Ilan taon ka na iho?

Lalaki: 22 po.

Lola: Tanda mong yan naniniwala ka pa sa fairytales. You are such a loser.

373. Juan: Oi, ano yan? Pinya? Penge naman.

Pedro: Penge? Asan ka nung nagtanim ako? Nung oras na nag – aani ako? Nung naghihirap ako? Asan ka?

Juan: Nakulong kasi ako e, nakapatay ako ng madamot.

Pedro: Ah, ganun ba? Kuha ka na. May papaya pa dun, gust mo?

374. B: Miss, para kang saranggola.

G: Alam ko nay an, para akong magandang ibong lumilipad.

B: Mali, para kang saranggola sa malayo lang maganda.

375. G: Redhorse ka ba?

B: Hindi, bakit?

G: Lakas kasi ng tama mo.

B: Ganun? Kaw ata ang red horse eh.

G: Bakit naman?

B: Mukha ka kasing kabayo?

376. Julilit, julilit witih sah masukech. Kung gumuyang, gumuyang ang jutei jutei. Julilit kung gumuyang ang jutei jutei.

- Batang bading na bagong lipat sa Camella Homes

377. Bf and gf inside a motel, nakahubad.

Gf: Bulilit, bulilit ang liit liit.

Bf: Bulilit, bulilit sana’y sa masikip.

378. Lolo: Paki – abot naman yang posporo.

Lola: Andiyan naman ang kalan e.

Lolo: So ipantitinga ko ang kalan?

379. You know what is the best part of dreams? You get the person you want, to love and never let go. And you what the worst part is? Titikman mo na siya, nagising ka pa.

380. Apo: Look at those Big Boats Lolo.

Lolo: Amazing di ba iho? They are called yachts.

Apo: Yachts? How do you spell it Lolo?

Lolo: You are right iho, they are boats.

381. The strong became weak. The genius became stupid. The speechless became talkative. The conservatice became flirty. And it happened because of one thing, lasing.

382. Don’t blame me for being cold dahil hindi ako magmamatigas kung binigyan mo lang sana ako ng importansiya nung una pa lang.

- Nag – eemote nga kaning lamig

383. “Ang buhay ay isang sugal. Kailangang handa kang mawalan kung gusto mo magkaroon.”

– Mahj Ong

“Matuto kang maghirap at magtrabaho, hindi lahat ng oras nasa taas ka.”

- Gul Ong

“Ang lahat ay may katapusan. Hindi maibabalik ng mga luha mo ang dati nang nawala.”

- Kaba Ong

“Kaya mo mang protektahan ang mahalaga sa’yo, sino namang magpoprotekta sa’yo?

- Bub Ong

“Ewan ko sa inyo.”

- Bob Ong

384. Young Romance

(Kids while playing)

Boy: Paabot naman

Girl: Ng ano?

Boy: Ng kamay mo, holding hands tayo.

385. Salawikain na mga College Students:

- Aanhin mo pa ang uno kung singko na ang uso.

- It is better to cheat than to repeat.

- No need to review, kodigo will do.

- Aanhin mo pa ang libro kung scholar ang katabi mo.

- Ang hindi marunong lumingon pag exam, bagsak na malamang.

386. Advisory:

Don’t use real magic sarap seasoning dahil ang tunay na sarap, sa akin mo lang malalasap.

387. A father was trying to teach his son about the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whisky. The worm in the water lived while the one in the whisky curled up and died.

F: All right son, what did you learned from the show?

S: Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol hindi ka magkakabulati.

388. Minsan sa pakikipagtext hindi mo alam napapamahal ka nap ala lalo na kung hindi ka unli.

389. Si Inday may nakabanggang bading:

Inday: How dare you ignorant road occupant, moving with such acceleration that caused the elastic collision between my porcelain beauty and your grubby apparenct if skin.

Bading: Shutang ina kang shotulong ka. Najongga ka lang kung anisanis na pinagjojobe mis! Kapag naimbyerna akis sayis

390. NOON:

Pag may hihiramin/tatanungin ka sa kapatid mo na nasa kabilang kwarto, lalabas ka ng kwarto mo at kakatok at magtatanong (o hihiram ng gamit).

NGAYON:

BUZZ!

You: ol?

Sibling: oh? bakit?

You: invi. hahaha

Sibling: bakit nga?

You: tawag ka ni mama.

331. Fooling her? Use hid and shulder.

332. Dati, hindi lahat ng mag –syota naghahalikan. Ngayon, hindi lahat ng naghahalikan ay mag – syota.

333. Bakit mahirap pansinin ang isang ex? Galit ka ba dahil sinaktan ka nya? Dahil iniwan ka nya? O nahihiya kang aminin na ang pangit nya pero naloko ka pa?

334. Nung una kitang nakita, saka ko nalamang bukas ang 3rd eye ko.

335. News update:

DepEd and Ched declared no classes on Monday to Friday for it is a whole week holiday. Keep updated. For more info, just log on to: www.humintokanalangsapag-aaral.com.ph/foreverbakasyon.net

336. One day sa tindahan.

Bata: Tao po.

Tindera: Ano yun?

Bata: May load po kayo?

Tindera: Meron.

Bata: Patext daw po ang inay, isa laang.

337. Paano kung isang madaling araw, kumatok sa pinto niyo ang mahal mo. Nanginginig tapos nag buksan mo ang pinto niyakap ka nya ng mahigpit at sabay bulong, “Patae!”

338. There is a guy in a resort who walks to a girl.

Guy: Marunong ka bang magswimming?

Girl: (Mataray) Bakit? Mukha ba akong swimmer?

Guy: Hindi, mukha kang pusit.

339. GF: Gaano mo ako kamahal?

BF: (Hinawakan ang kamay ni GF at nilagay sa loob ng brief niya at nagsalita) Ikaw ang dahilan sa bawat pagtigas nito.

340. Juan: Mag – iinternet ako. I- oopen ko ang account mo.

Pedro: Waa. Alam mo pala password ko?

Juan: Oo, tanga! Limang asterisk.

341. Girl: I have experienced so much happiness since you came. No one can ever replace you here in my heart. Just keep in mind that I am still the same girl who loved you and nothing can stop that.

Boy: Wait lang ha? Nagdodota ko e, pustahan ‘to.

342. Judith. Itinakdang pitsa sa pagbabayad ng bells para hinde madeskonek, Judith.

- Aling Dionisia

343. Boy: *shakes mango tree*

Girl: Anong ginagawa mo?

Boy: Eto, gumagawa ng mango shake.

344. You may be sitting all alone today. But believe in the magic that someone is meant to sit beside you soon tapos pag puno na, aalis na ang jeep. Ano ba akala mo? Kala mo tungkol na naman sa love?

345. A mom called her son, “Pauwi ka na ba? San ka na?” The son said, “Andito po ako sa ospital.” His mom cried, “Ano nangyari sayo?” The son replied, “Ma, nurse kaya ako. Sabog ka ba?”

346. One of the qualities I like most about you is that you are very sentimental. 1% pangsenti and 99% pangmental.

347. Walang maputik at madilim na daan kung inuman ang pupuntahan.

348. Pag sinimangutan mo ang umaaway sa’yo, 42 muscles and pinapagana mo. Samantalang 4 muscles lang ang kailangan mo kung sasampalin mo sila. Be wise.

349. I am on a mission to avoid a grade of 5.0, to forget 3.0, to get rid of 2.75, to stop getting 2.5, to go beyond 2.0, to aim more than 1.5 and this mission is MISSION IMPOSSIBLE.

350. Ngatz bhe. Mhawx.

- ngongo, bumibili ng Gatsby Wax

351. Minsan naisip ko nakakasawa na rin gumimik, sumama sa barkada para magsaya, tumambay ng magdamagan, walang katapusang kulitan at asaran, mga walang humpay na tawanan, uminom ng uminom ng alak hanggang malasing ka. Pero minsan ko lang talaga naisip yun. Hanggang isip na lang.

352. Sa isang sosyaling salon:

Gretchen: I want my hair dyed jet black, cut it short and then treat it with lots of keratin extracts.

Aling Dionisia: I want my hair dyed gold, curl it to the fullest level and then implant one diamond at the tip of every strand.

- Kabog si Greta.

353. The road to success is under construction. Sorry for the inconvenience.

354. Inday kumakanta ng Iisa pa Lamang

Inday: Iisa pa la- ang, iisa pa la- ang.

Bugoy: Inday, Batangenyo ka naman masyado e. dapat ay iisa pa lamang hindi la- ang.

Inday: Ah, ganun ba? Sige. Iisa pa lamang, iisa pa lamang.

Bugoy: Magaling Inday. Sige ituloy mo.

Inday: (with feelings) Iisa pa lamang ang minahal ko ng garine.

355. Top 5 reasons kung bakit minsan mas masaya maging single:

5. You can date anyone.

4. You have more quality time with your family and friends.

3. You can prioritize your job/studies.

2. Hindi ka praning sa cellphone mo.

1. Hindi ka napa-pressure na dapat lagi maganda ang underwear mo.

356. Never try to impress someone to make him/her fall in love with you because when you do, you will keep that standard for the rest of your life. Just be yourself. Kung ayaw sa’yo, lasingin mo.

357. Lagi akong nangangamba sa tuwing umuulan. Di dahil sa kumukulog, kumikidlato bumabaha at mababasa ako. Kundi dahil taglibog na naman. Bed weather.

358. I was walking down an alley ng may biglang sumigaw, “Hoy malibog!” Nagalit ako saka ko sinapak, “Wag na wag mo akong tatawaging Hoy!”

359. Pag nahulog ka sa hagdan at nakatingin sa’yo lahat, magsungit ka at sabihin mong, “Anong paki ninyo kung ganun ako bumaba?”

360. Pedro: Pare, kalian ba birthday mo?

Juan: May 19.

Pedro: Anong taon?

Juan: Taun – taon. Para ka namang timang oh.

301. Girl: Panget ba ako o maganda?

Boy: Ha?

G: Am I pretty or ugly?

B: Hmm, pwede both?

G: (natuwa) Talaga?

B: Yes. You are pretty ugly!

302. A fast beating heart doesn’t always mean you are in love. A blushing face is not always a sign that you are in love. Sometimes, lasing ka lang.

303. Define SELF CONTROL. It is the ability to stay cool when someone is making you hot.

304. Sa fieldtrip…

Pedro: Wow! Andaming cows. Mga ilan kaya?

Juan: 468.

P: Nabilang mo ng ganun kabilis?

Juan: Hindi naman. Nabilang ko lang yung 1872 paa nila tas dinivide ko lang by 4.

305. Minsan, naisip ko na tumigil na lang sa pag – iinom ng alak. Isasabaw ko na lang sa kanin. No more lonely rice.

306. I.Q. Test:

Q: Why is 3.70 = 13.20?

A: trisibinti = trisibinti

307. Dalawang pipi nag – uusap…

Pipi1:

Pipi2:

Pipi1:

Pipi2:

Pipi1:

Pipi2:

Pipi1:

Pipi2:

Pipi1:

Pipi2:

Nakakalungkot no? Nag – away sila. Sayang yung friendship.

308. Girl: Bat ba ayaw mo sa akin? Pangit ba ako?

Boy: Maganda ka. Mula paa hanngang leeg.

309. Dati, ang sukatan ng pagiging kaibigan mo ay ang halaga mo sa mga kaibigan mong nagmamahal sayo. Ngayon iba na. Ang sukatan na ay ang halaga mo sa Friends for Sale.

310. Guys, gusto ko lang sana humingi ng sorry sa mga kasalanang nagawa ko. Alam ko nagging mahangin ako at madami rin akong nasaktan, marami din akong nasirang bagay na hindi na ulit maibabalik sa dati. Wag kayong mag- alala di na mauulit. Di na tayo magkikita. Hanggang dito na lang, sorry guys.

- pinapa GM ni bagyong Ondoy

311. Ang mga lalaki, parang basketbol. Kahit hindi sa kanila ang bola, inaagaw para makatira lang.

312. Boys are not all the same. Iba – iba yan ng style ng panloloko.

313. Did you know that the heart has no pain receptor? So the next time that someone breaks you heart, move on. Your pain is just an illusion, a temporary psychological disturbance that you have to overcome. In short it’s all in the mind. In Filipino, inarte lang yan.

314. Someday, you will be surprise to see me beside you. You and me laughing. You and me dreaming. You and me having fun. Just you and me sa mental hospital. Ako doctor, ikaw baliw.

315. Pag may nakita akong much better pa sa’yo, pipikit ako. Para di ako ma – tempt.

316. “Aanhin pa ang gabi kung wala ka namang katabi.”

E may nakarinig:

“E anong silbi ng may katabi kung wala din namang nangyayari.”

May humirit:

“E ano naman kung may nangyayari kung wala namang nabubuong baby.”

E may affected:

“Paano may mabubuong baby kung parehas kayong lalaki.”

Ang pinakamatindi:

“Aanhin mo ang babae kung mukha namang lalaki.”

317. Inspirational quotes:

Lahat ng problema may solusyon. Kapag walang solusyon, wag mo ng problemahin.

Always remember, kung kaya ng iba ipagawa mo sa kanila. Don’t force yourself, make life easy.

Hindi lahat ng gwapo may girlfriend, ang iba sa kanila may boyfriend.

Don’t face your problem if your problem is your face.

Di bale ng tamad, di naman pagod.

Practice make perfect but nobody is perfect. So why practice?

318. A girl’s prayer:

Lord, I pray for wisdom to understand my man, love to forgive him and patience for his moods. Because Lord if I pray for strength baka mabugbog ko lang siya.

319. Hindi ko mawari kung saan eksakto, pakiramdam ko nasa gitna ako ng bangungot at delubyo. Kung sakaling makita mo akin na malapit sa’yo, tatawagin mo ba ako? Maglalaan ka ba ng panahon upang mahanap ako?

- Sagot ng Emo sa tanong na wer na u?

320. Nag – usap ang numbers…

Number 2: You are number one.

Number 1: I love you 2!

321. After having sex, the girl keeps on touching the organ of the guy…

Guy: You want more?

Girl: Nope. May namimiss lang kasi ako.

Guy: Sino? Yung ex mo?

Girl: Hindi. May ganito kasi ako before.

322. Driver: Yung mga pangit pwede nang bumaba ng jeep. May check point kasi. Please lang.

Pasahero: Tapos kuya, sino ng magdadrive ngayon?

323. Kung ayaw mo sa akin, mas ayaw ko sa’yo.

324. Madaling sabihing maganda o gwapo ka pero mahirap i- justify kung saan banda.

325. Modern Bahay Kubo:

Bahay kop o, dami putik. Ang pumasok doon, ay sari – sari. Nilamas na karton, sirang medyas at damit. Silya, basurang mapanghi. Ondoy, parusa. Binura Marikina. At saka meron pa San Juan, V. Mapa. Pureza, Teresa, Anonas at Edsa. Sa paligid – ligid ay puno ng baha.

326. Paramihan ng anak…

Haponesa: Pumasok bitbit ang 10 anak.

(Palakpakan)

Kana: Pumasok bitbit ang 20 anak.

(Palakpakan)

Pinay: Pumasok, nagsigawan ang audience, “Go nay!”

327. Pakisabi nga sa mga nagtetext ng mga chain messages na tigilan na nila yan kasi pucha hindi na nakakatuwa, istorbo pa! Pass this to 10 friends and make a wish. Magkakatotoo. Promise!

328. “Ya ye yi yo yu”

Ya: sosyal na yes

Ye: lasing na yes

Yi: bisayang yes

Yo: hiphop na yes

Yu: ang taong mahal ko

329. Berto: Uwi na ako gusto ko nang hubarin ang panty ng misis ko?

Juancho: Hot na hot ka na pare?

Berto: Hindi, masyadong masikip sa akin eh.

330. Bakit ang parents di ko ma –gets? Noon, pinapatulog ka kahit hindi inaantok. Pero ngayon, ginigising kahit antok pa. Tinuruan ka maglakad tapos ngayon nagagalit twing may lakad ka. Nung bata ka, pinapakain ka kahit di ka gutom. Ngayon, tinitipid ka kahit gutom ka pa. Adik ba sila?

1561. You keep on sticking to what you like. That’s why you never notice those who need you. Sometimes, you are dying for some stupid things while somebody is already dead trying to wait for you.

1562. It is a lie to say you have let go of the past. Nobody let go of memories. Each tear is an unforgettable memory. Each smile is an undeniable mark. Each heart break is an unerasable scar. Because really, there is no such thing as letting go only moving on.

1563. I never wished for somebody to stay just because I say so. I just wanted someone who will stay even when I am pushing him away.

1564. Don’t tie your heart to a person who has nothing to offer you. Let it go. It might hurt for a while but when you get over it, you will that it is better.

1565. Past is past. If you want happiness, don’t walk together with your past. It maybe unforgettable but the reality is past us just a lesson. Just look back but never bring it back.

1566. It is better to say something direct to the point than to keep someone guessing because maybe, their interpretation is different from what you want to say.

1567. You will know true love works with someone if they still love the other person even at the worst time of their lives.

1568. Don’t count the things you think you have done for someone. Instead, count the number of times you felt better just because you made them happy.

1569. If this world runs out of lovers, we still have each other.

1570. It is not bad to fall in love with someone just be sure of what you feel and be ready to risk something because loving someone is the most beautiful thing but flirting is more exciting.

1571. They say that when break up comes someone better will come. Yes, someone will come. But it doesn’t always mean that he/she is better. Maybe different but not always better.

1572. Sometimes, you don’t have to hate someone for hurting you. And it is not proper to be bitter either. And the truth is, it is really a common mistake among us individuals for we live with our expectations. We oblige others to love us back. For in the first place, we don’t have the right. It hurts when it sounds so right but that is life after all. Acceptance and most of all respect.

1573. A simple sign if stupidity is when you told everyone you moved on but when you hold a pen, you still see yourself writing his name.

1574. Never assume unless otherwise, stated.

1575. We spend our days waiting for the ideal path to appear in front of us. But we forget that paths are made by moving not by waiting.

1576. Sometimes, the thing that made we have decided to avoid and get rid off are those things that are happening, again and again.

1577. And he promised he would never let anyone or anything ever hurt me, he made me feel safe in his arms, until the day he broke my heart and let my world shatter, the day he unwrapped is arms and let go.

1578. Falling in love with your best friend is the worst thing that could happen to you. Every time you see them you always want to tell them how much you love them but you can’t. So you’re forced to turn away again and fight back your tears that are trying to fight their way out of your eyes.

1579. Never bother a girl listening to her iPod. She wants to be alone, not bothered. She’s in her own world, where the only thing going through her head is music. A world where worries don’t exist. She’s tuning the whole “real” world out.

1580. I’m tired of looking for that special guy, from now on I’m just going to stop looking and let love find me because good things come to those who wait.

1581. I want to be the girl who he thinks is the cutest. Not necessarily the “hottest” or the “prettiest”, but the cutest. Because hotness refers to the body, and God knows mine isn’t perfect. Pretty refers to the face and I know plenty of girls prettier than me. But cuteness is referring to every imperfection that he loves. Every weird little habit. The funny little things that make me different from every other girl he could have. Like how I have a dorky laugh, I can’t watch gory movies, or the way my hair smells. All of the little things that he notices and adores. I want to be that girl.’

1582. The worst thing is loving someone when you know you shouldn't anymore. It's caring about someone, wondering how they are and what they're up to when the truth is they've stopped wondering about you a long time ago. The worst thing is remembering every single detail of your relationship when he's obviously long forgotten about you. The worst thing is missing him so much when he doesn't even realize you're gone, the worst thing is feeling the same as you ever did, knowing you shouldn't, because he doesn't anymore.

1583. Your worst battle is between what you know and what you feel.

1584. It's the kind of relationship where we have a secret handshake, and she begs him to watch Disney movies with her, which he begs her to watch a scary movie instead. It’s where they laugh and joke all the time, but they're serious when the time is to be serious. It’s where neither of them have to say 'I love you' because they know with all their hearts that they love each other. It’s where they can mess around on her couch, and then she'll laugh at him when he tries not to look guilty in front of her dad. It’s the kind of love that everyone dreams of.

1585. I really enjoy spending time with you, even if we're just going to be sitting around and talking about nothing. There are a million things I love about you, like your nose or the way you smile at me and the way you look me in the eye too. And I just get the greatest feeling when I make you laugh, I feel as if my company makes you happy, and that's what I wish for you. For you to be happy. And when I see you laugh at my clumsy ways, it just makes me want to spend the rest of my life with you so I can see a smile on your face.

1586. The hardest part of this whole situation is that neither of us knows what's going on. Neither of us knows what each other’s thinking and we're both trying to make decisions based on information we don't know. I'm scared to tell you my feelings just in case you don't feel the same way.

1587. Life is like photography, we develop from negatives.

1588. I don’t know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every part of my body is broken too.

1589. I still look at your profile to see if someone else has stolen your heart yet.

1590. I want someone who won’t care that I’m incapable of sitting still for more than fifteen minutes, that I can’t grasp the concept of cleaning, and that I refuse to be ‘lady-like’. Someone who can understand that half the decisions that I make are the ones that I regret, and that sometimes I overreact. I want someone who knows me in and out, but would still do absolutely anything to make sure that I’m theirs.

1531. If an angel and devil were to fall in love with each other? Can their love transcend the law of heaven and hell? Can the angel set her wings on fire? Can the devil soar at day light? This is faith’s decree. Love can’t change what aren’t meant to be.

1532. All that a girl needs is a guy, just one guy who would be man enough to prove her that not all men are the same.

1533. When someone leaves you, don’t hope and wait for that person to come back. Feel good about yourself and say, “Thanks for giving me the chance to find someone better than you.”

1534. It is hard to be attached with somebody like you are used to all the routines you go through with that someone every single day as if you will not live without it. Then suddenly with no apparent reason, he stops doing those things. The worst part of it is that you can’t blame him because in the first place, you never owned his heart.

1535. Sometimes, people decide to be just friends even though they still love each other. Ever wonder why? Maybe because it is not love that is hard to sustain, it is the commitment that complicates everything.

1536. Chemistry tells us most of the happiest stories. Acids and bases that always combine and understand one another no matter how weak and strong each other is. Electrons and protons that co- exist in a very small volume of space even with their contradicting nature. Redox reactions that will forever come in pair. And intermolecular forces that either share or completely give what the partner needs.

1537. The saddest thing about intersecting lines is that their paths meet once and never again.

1538. Moving on? That is very easy. Just close your eyes, sleep and wish not to wake up anymore.

1539. Saying goodbye make you realize how much you care, how much you will miss and how much loss you had knowing that some things will never be the same again.

1540. Avoid offending with your words. In a conversation, these may be only 6% of your words but they can and will become unforgettable.

1541. Her to him: I hate it when you act like I don’t mean anything to you.

Him to her: And I hate it when you act like you don’t know that you mean everything to me.

1541. I don’t believe that laughing has always been the best medicine because I know that sometimes, a cry can cure what a laugh can’t.

1542. Some people said you only fall in love once but every time I see him, I fall in love all over again.

1543. If you want to forget someone, you have got to let someone help you, give yourself a chance again. Don’t remain weak. There is always someone who is ready to love you better.

1544. If I could some up all the causes of hurt, pain and hatred in one word, it would be expectations. We all should not have too much of it.

1545. The heart that knows how to bow down and say sorry is the heart that loves you the most.

1546. You don’t always need to sprint. Doing our best to move forward no matter what speed, our best is okay.

1547. Don’t give up when you still have something to give because nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.

1548. A philosopher once said, “If you want to be really happy, don’t keep on searching for the things that will make you happy. Instead, find out what makes your life miserable and stop doing it.”

1549. When you have found a reason to walk away, never look back. Just keep walking. For it is better to get lost moving on than to get stuck and stranded broken.

1550. It is easier to be happy if you can look beyond imperfections than seek happiness by trying too hard to make everything perfect.

1551. Looking beyond imperfections isn’t that easy. It takes a lot of patience, understanding and pain. Therefore, happiness couldn’t be easily achieved.

1552. If it is not him, I know someday, I will meet someone who will treat me well. Someone who will not take me for granted. And someone who is mature enough to understand every little thing I do. And if I am one happy with the wrong one, what more if I found the right one?

1553. Chocolate is said to contain phenylethylamine. The same chemical your brain produces when you fall in love. No love life? Eat chocolates.

1554. Why ruin the perfectly beautiful petals of flower if you know from the start that he loves you not?

1555. If your love doesn’t work with that person, it just means that somebody else will love you more.

1556. Have you ever had the feeling that you were too pressured to choose from something you are sure of and something you are happy with? It is like you don’t know if you are brave enough to take the risk of letting go of everything you held on to before. Life is totally twisted, things change and shit happens. So, know what you really want and go for it. Choose what makes you happy today or die in sadness tomorrow.

1557. It is really hard to be with someone who always do the sweetest gestures when you are together. But still you remain just friends.

1558. Sometimes the more pointless the relationship is, the more you want to fight for it.

1559. The sweetest words ever said by a lover to his beloved: “I am jealous of the people you ever hugged because for a moment, they held my entire world.”

1560. It is better to wait for years for that someone you are sure of than to grab that chance with someone who picks you up but drops you whenever he wants to.

41. Patient: Nurse, ano yan?
Nurse: Stethoscope
Patient: Para po san?
Nurse: Pinapakinggan ko lang kung ako ba tinitibok ng puso mo.

42. Girl: San ka?
Boy: Dito ko welding shop. Try ko ayusin yung naputol nating relasyon.

43. Girl: (kausap si boy sa phone) Asan ka?
Boy: Huh? Anjan sa puso mo. Bakit?

44. Nakakatakot di ba ang multo?
*Pero mas nakakatakot kapag nawala ka sa buhay ko.

45. Ms., nurse/cardiologist ka ba? *Pwede mo po bang alagaan ang puso ko?

46. Wag kang maooffend ha, pero sa tingin ko, magnanakaw ang mga magulang mo. Ninakaw lahat ng bituin sa langit at inilagay sa mga mata mo.

47. Uy sabi ng doctor malala na daw ang sakit ko sa puso. Dalawa na lang daw ang option: either ICU or you see me.

48. Oi bukas sisingilin na kita ng renta ha, kasi matagal ka ng nakatira sa puso ko.

49. May free time ka ba? Samahan mo naman ako sa psychiatrist. Magdala daw kasi ako ng kinababaliwan ko.

50. Nasaan ka kagabi? Wala ka kasi sa panaginip ko.

51. Excuse me, alam mo ba kung anong oras na? Tumigil kasi ang mundo nang makita kita.
52. I lost my number. Can I have yours?

53. I forgot your name. Can I call you mine?

54. Ice ka ba? Crush kita, okay lang?

55. BOY: Excuse me, ahm may I see the tag of your shirt?
GIRL: Why?
BOY: I just wanna see if you are made for me.

56. Aabsent na ako sa lahat ng klase ko, makapasok lang ako sa puso mo.

57. Aanhin mo pa ang bahay kung nakatira ka na sa puso ko?

58. Boy: You know you are like the sun for to reasons.
Girl: What?
Boy: First, you brighten up my day. Second, you are hot!
Girl: How sweet! You are like the moon na!
Boy: Why?
Girl: I want to see you tonight.

59. HOW TO ASK SOMEONE OUT:
Boy: Invisible ako.
Girl: Ows? Talaga?
Boy: Can you see me?
Girl: Oo naman.
Boy: How about tomorrow night?

60. BOY: Ide-delete na kita sa friendster ko ha?
GIRL: Bakit?
BOY: Ayoko ko kasi ng friends lang tayo.